Mind Over Manners
Since moving to California, where everyone has smart phones, I’ve long been stifling mild irritation with friends who, at dinner, would have their iPhones or BlackBerry’s out doing God-knows-what for minutes at a time. Could you really be that bored with the conversation and company that you would care to check Facebook again?
Social grace is a dying art. While the practices of manners and etiquette are seemingly lost on the digi-generates of this world – looking at you Hannah Montana fans – those of us that can recall our parents telling us to chew with our mouths closed and to use “please” and “thank you,” should figure something out in order to fight off this trend that threatens our last few shreds of civility. Our increasingly mobile selves, egged on by our much-beloved mobile devices, need to remember our manners.
In a panicked effort to reverse what I see as an impending doom of a lack of interpersonal connection and epidemic of self-involvement, I asked an expert for some guidelines here.
Mindy Lockard is an etiquette consultant based in Eugene, Oregon who runs a business, blog and a brand around all things manners and gentility and wouldn’t know you it, her pet peeve is “cell phones ringing in pubic.” Her online magazine, ManneroftheMonth.com, is an interactive publication that teaches manners and etiquette to everyday users as well as industry professionals. Mindy will take us beyond the norms of expectations, and to the polished heights of social graces. These are her words of wisdom.
Using Intelligence When Using Your Smart Phone
When I teach my “Cell Phone 101″ class to teens new to the mobile phone world, I often reflect – like my grandparents telling the story of walking up hill to school in 5 feet of snow – about the first cellular phone my mother had. This cellular relic would not be recognizable today since it came with its own case, was the size of a small piece of luggage, and had to be plugged into the cigarette lighter. Much has changed in the world of technology since those days in the early nineties, but while the jumbo models of the early nineties have slimmed down to tiny all-in-one devices, the value of those we are talking to or around hasn’t changed.
Occasions and events when it’s inappropriate
“Can you hear me now … ?” This infamous line from a commercial has become synonymous with the cellular phone industry, and the answer from those standing around us while we talk on our phones is, “YES. WE CAN HEAR YOU!” Keeping our smart phone conversations to a minimum in public places is the minimal amount of respect toward those near us. Even if we are surrounded by strangers, we should be mindful of their personal ear space. Step outside if you must take a call. In an airport or other setting where you can’t go outside, do your best to get away and take the call in an area that isn’t densely populated.
Texting, checking e-mail, Tweeting or updating status…
Public spaces are the best place to text because texting allows us to communicate without disrupting those around us. Of course, texting during a presentation or performance is inappropriate and disrespectful – it communicates to the performers or speakers that you aren’t interested in their efforts. During a movie, the lights on a phone and the clicking of buttons can be very distracting to fellow moviegoers. If you have to text, remove yourself from the performance and take care of your communication. Or, even better, save your communication until the end when you can go outside and return the call.
Texting, checking e-mail, Tweeting or updating status in front of other’s faces
Typing into our phones in front of others is just as disrespectful as talking on the phone in front of them. Even checking your phone to read the message should be avoided. Don’t try to hide your communication under the table or out of sight. Even if the phone isn’t visible, the top of your head while you text is, and the person in front of you will not be fooled. Just because the technology is easy and accessible doesn’t mean it should not be used with respect and discretion.
Making calls
When making a call, be prepared! Using smart phones makes it easier to conduct business in situations when you are not entirely focused because you are driving or out in public. Think before you make a call. Have all necessary information available. The sound of shuffling paper or delayed speech because you have lost focus will give the impression that you are disorganized or don’t care.
Remember to always ask at the beginning of the phone conversation, “Is this a good time?” or “Do you have 5 minutes to answer a couple of questions?” Asking about time or giving the amount of time you need will help you and the caller accomplish the tasks at hand.
Taking calls
If you are in the company of another person or in a situation where you can’t easily focus or don’t have the necessary materials available, ask the caller if you can call them back. Schedule a time that works well for both of you, then call when you say you will call.
When you take a call, stop and focus on the person calling. Always have paper and pen available to take notes, so when you return to the office, you will have the necessary documentation.
Should it be allowed at meals?
When dining or meeting face-to-face with another individual, turn your smart phone off unless you are expecting an emergency phone call. (By the way, your afternoon plans are not an emergency.) If you know you have an appointment at one o’clock and are leaving a message for a friend, tell the friend that you will be unavailable between one and two o’clock. Putting those in our presence “on hold” by taking a call non-verbally communicates that they are not as important as the person on the phone. Even if you ask the person in your presence if they mind and that person politely says, “It’s fine,” chances are they do mind and are merely trying to be polite.
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Please regard these with a “one step at a time” kind of attitude. It’s worth it – manners and etiquette are very becoming on you.