Third Annual Thanksgiving Pie Bake-off
A foggy morning set the tone for LaunchSquad‘s Third Annual Thanksgiving Pie Bake-off last Friday. In its grand tradition, the day was filled with controversy, chaos and even disqualifications. Bake-off Official Jason Throckmorton once again disappeared during the tasting, leaving his only committee member (yours truly) to police the floor and follow his sentiments: “For this is a winner takes all pie contest! There is no runner up.”
Here’s how things “rolled” out:
WINNER – ‘Mixed Berry’ by Monica Miller of Eagle River, Alaska, where pie baking is a hobby. “That pie is sick, but in a good way,” repeated Jesse Odell over and over again until he was finally ousted from the pie tasting arena for lobbying. Was he in cahoots with Monica? The hubbub continues: The rumor of frozen berries led some bakers to insist that only fresh ingredients constitute a true Thanksgiving Pie. Miller confirmed that although these berries were indeed at one time frozen, she picked and froze them over the summer to make what is, in her own words, “a traditional Alaskan Thanksgiving Day Pie.” Miller further commented that she grew the berries in her Oakland, California backyard, Alaska-style, using moose nuggets to fertilize the earth. Will berry pies be allowed in the competitions of tomorrow? Only time will tell.
And even though we don’t allow a second place and so on this is how it might have been…
SECOND – ‘Kentucky Derby Pie’ by Melissa Biles, a true southerner. “What I loved about this pie,” said Brett Weiner, “was the distinct taste of booze.”
TIED FOR THIRD -
‘Pumpkin’ (non-traditional sort) by Reed Lyon. While we were impressed by the LaunchSquad logo on top, we are pumpkin pie purists.
‘Pumpkin Mascarpone’ by Zoe Vandeveer. Lovely flavor and texture; a little too upper east side for this crowd.
‘Triple Pumpkin Spice’ by Nicole DeByl . Triple the fun & triple the flavor, but just like having LaunchSquad dogs in the office, more that one spice is one too many.
‘Pumpkin Cheesecake’ by Miko Mercer. Perfect consistency, but is cheesecake really a pie?
‘Sweet Potato’ by Lori Savageau. The Bake-off Official’s favorite, but he wasn’t allowed to vote.
‘Sweet Potato’ by Ryan Leverenz. Even Oprah would have loved this one, but where were the bacon bits?
TIED FOR FOURTH -
‘Fudge Pecan’ by Monica Miller of Eagle River, Alaska. Wait a minute, two pies? Some bakers cried foul. Others loved the fudgy consistency.
‘Pumpkin’ (traditional) by Virginia Zimpel. “There’s nothing better than a plain ole’ pumpkin pie,” said Corey Lewis, helping himself to a double slice before the competition ended. Because of this breach of conduct (small tastes are only permitted up until the end), will he be allowed to vote next year?
DISQUALIFIED – ‘Kentucky Liquid Pie’ by Brett Weiner. The Bake-off Official’s ruling: “While we appreciate the baker’s innovative spirit, you need to be able to eat a pie with a fork. In addition, due to the flammable contents, I will be personally confiscating this pie.”
And finally, the protests:
Would-be second place winner, Melissa Biles, persisted that her pie full of bourbon would have won the blue ribbon had votes for disqualified Kentucky Liquid Pie been redistributed. The Bake-off Official quickly refuted her claims by repeating one of the bake-off committee’s goals: “A pie competition is to teach us about the hard knocks of real life. Bake-offs, like life, are not always fair.”
Non-pie baker Adam Metz has formerly disputed the results of this competition because he believes voting is not the proper way to select a winner and that the true champion should be based upon the social interactions created around each pie. He is working on a formula for next year’s competition. After five slices of the Kentucky Liquid pie, Metz slurred, “It’s all about the network.”